Look, I’m a sports dork. That’s already been established. I mean, you have to be to be in this profession, right? So I decided, on a lark, let’s input this year’s NCAA tournament field into EA Sports NCAA Basketball 09 for the PS3 and see what it spits out. Here’s the blow-by-blow account of the tournament:

First off, the game doesn’t give you an option of inputting the play-in game—er, the First Round game. Gotta be politically correct here. So I advanced Alabama State past Morehead State simply because the Hornets have a dude named Chief Kickingstallionsims on thier team. Great name. Also, big ups to the people who put together these fantastic roster files, so at least we can have the real names to go along with the teams.

Let’s get to the simulation.

FIRST ROUND

EAST REGIONAL

—(1) Pittsburgh 92, (16) East Tennessee State 82

Sam Young scores 25 points to lead the Panthers back from a 45-38 halftime deficit. Kevin Tiggs scores 20 for the Bucs, who hit seven 3s in the game, but it’s not enough to spring the impossible 16 vs. 1 upset.

—(9) Oklahoma State 81, (8) Tennessee 70

These 8-9 games are always a toss-up, but the Cowboys are in control from the start. Obi Muonelo comes off teh bench and scored 17 points in 20 minutes to lift OSU. J.P. Prince scored 22 for the Vols in the loss.

—(5) Florida State 84, (12) Wisconsin 75

The Badgers limit Toney Douglas to eight points, but Xavier Gibson comes off the bench to score 21 points on 10 of 15 shooting. I’m not sure Wisconsin is capable of playing a game in the 60s, much less the 70s and 80s. So I don’t buy this score one bit.

—(13) Portland State 80, (4) Xavier 79

Xavier was up 51-36 at halftime and was feeling pretty good about itself. But the Big Sky champion Vikings get 43 points off the bench from Donatas Visockis, Wendell Wright and Austonn Lazoff to spring the upset.

—(6) UCLA 74, (11) VCU 63

I get the feeling this is the sexiest upset pick in the bracket, but Bruins coach Ben Howland is having none of it. He doesn’t take the little guys lightly. When he was at a “little guy,“ Northern Arizona, he nearly upset Cincinnati in the first round in 1998. Josh Shipp scoreds 16 points and Drew Gooden scores 15 off the bench. Eric Maynor does his best, scoring 18 points, but VCU loses, and N&A staffers Annie McCallum and Matt Busse weep.

—(14) American 82, (3) Villanova 72

Wow. Apparently you don’t want to be a 3 seed in this simulation. Former UVa coach Jeff Jones leads American to the major upset over ‘Nova in Philly, thanks to 22 points from Brian Gilmore.

—(7) Texas 93, (15) Minnesota 88

Connor Atchley, who I believe is in his ninth year at UT, scores 21 as the Longhorns dispatch of Tubby and the Gophers.

—(15) Binghamton 65, (2) Duke 54

OK, Tony Kornheiser has rigged this entire simulation. Though Duke nearly lost as a No. 2 seed last year to Belmont ...

SOUTH REGIONAL

—(1) North Carolina 61, (16) Radford 48

Radford apparently tries to slow the whole thing down, but it doesn’t work. Carolina wins comfortably, despite only two points from Tyler Hansbrough. Yeah, like that’s going to happen. Only Joey Lynch-Flohr scores in double figures for the Highlanders, finishing with 13 points.

—(9) Butler 81, (8) LSU 73

Oh, those tricky Bulldogs. They won’t out-athlete LSU, but they might outplay them. Chase Stigall with 20 points off the bench for Butler.

—(12) Western Kentucky 68, (5) Illinois 66

And another 5-12 upset. How about that? Western Kentucky has a good journalism program, and we in the business need all the good news we can get these days. The school also has a blob with a towel for a mascot. It’s only slightly less cooler than Xavier’s blob. A.J. Slaughter with 14 to lead the ‘Toppers.

—(4) Gonzaga 73, (13) Akron 63

Micah Downs scores 18 as the Zags slowly pull away after halftime.

—(6) Arizona State 72, (11) Temple 50

Jeff Pendergraf scores 24 as the Devils play dogged first-half defense, taking a 36-12 lead into the break. Dionte Christmas with 17 for Temple, and the loss saves us more trite Christmas in March headlines.

—(3) Syracuse 75, (14) Stephen F. Austin 54

No contest here, as Andy Rautins goes off for 18 for the Orange.

—(10) Michigan 80, (7) Clemson 72

John Beilien is a tricky coach, and he leads the Wolverines to the mild upset.

—(2) Oklahoma 75, (15) Morgan State 52

Todd Bozeman’s reclamation project runs into the Griffin brothers, who combine for 25 points in the easy win for Boomer Sooner.

MIDWEST REGION

—(1) Louisville 86, (16) Alabama State 79

The Hornets prove to be ornery and only trail 42-41 at the break. Then Jerry Smith takes over, scoring 31 points for the top seeded Cardinals. Our boy Chief Kickingstallionsims scores 14 points on 6 of 14 shooting.

—(8) Ohio State 73, (9) Siena 72

The Buckeyes have just enough to slip by the Saints in Dayton. Will they have anything left for Louisville?

—(12) Arizona 86, (5) Utah 80

Take that committee! Lots of folks bemoan Arizona’s inclusion in the field, but the Wildcats take a 47-35 halftime lead and survive a 26-point outburst from Utah’s Luke Nevill. Chase Budinger, who had his face stomped on by a Houston player earlier this year, scores 22 to lead the Wildcats.

—(13) Cleveland State 83, (4) Wake Forest 72

Pandemonium in the East!! Long live Mouse McFadden!! Don’t sleep on the Vikings, who get 14 points from Charlie Woods off the bench and build a 48-33 halftime edge en route to the upset. Al Farouq Aminu scores 28 for the Deacs, but Jeff Teague inexplicably disappears. No shots in 29 minutes for Teague. Now that just wouldn’t happen.

—(6) West Virginia 91, (11) Dayton 64

Ouch. DeSean Butler romps to 21 points and the Mountaineers outscore the Flyers 53-30 after halftime.

—(3) Kansas 89, (14) North Dakota State 76

Bill Self doesn’t like playing teams named “Bison” in the first round, considering Bucknell knocked the Jayhawks out a few years back. But the young Jayhawks get 17 from Tyshawn Taylor to hold off the Bison. NDSU standout Ben Woodside held scoreless.

—(10) USC 76, (7) Boston College 62

My strongest memory of the USC-BC NCAA tournament rivalry came several years ago when the teams met in the Nassau Coliseum and some woman behind one of the baskets kept screaming like she was being attacked by an axe murderer. Good balance for the Trojans, who place four players in double figures.

—(2) Michigan State 62, (15) Robert Morris 44

Typical ugly grind-it-out Sparty win. Goran Suton scores 17 for MSU, which barely breaks a sweat.

WEST REGIONAL

—(1) Connecticut 82, (16) Chattanooga 71

All five starters score in double figures for UConn, including Jerome Dyson, who clearly won’t play in this tournament.

—(8) BYU 72, (9) Texas A&M 70 (OT)

Chris Miles scores 22 to lead the Cougars into a cats vs. dogs matchup with UConn.

—(12) Northern Iowa 83, (5) Purdue 78

Boy, this simulation is real fond of the 5-12 upset. JaJuan Johnson scores 26 for the Boilermakers, but it’s not enough.

—(4) Washington 86, (13) Mississippi State 77

MSU’s stunning postseason run comes to an end thanks to a big day from Isaiah Thomas, who scores 18 for the Huskies, one of those teams no one seems to be talking about in this tournament.

—(11) Utah State 86, (6) Marquette 74

In the sim, Marquette has Dominic James, but blows a 42-36 halftime lead and loses to the Aggies, who get 28 points from Gary Wilkinson, who I believe is 40 years old.

—(3) Missouri 80, (14) Cornell 66

Andy Bernard is not happy about this at all.

—(10) Maryland 78, (7) California 51

Fear the turtle. That is all.

—(15) Cal State Northridge 75, (2) Memphis 65

Seeing as you can count the number of 15-2 upsets in the tournament’s history on one hand, the chance that two No. 2 will go down in the same tourney are slim. Or maybe this is karma for all the people who complained Memphis should have been a No. 1 seed.

*******

OK, Round 2 ...

EAST REGIONAL

—(9) Oklahoma State 91, (1) Pittsburgh 87 (OT)

And there goes our first No. 1 seed. Sam Young scores 26 for Pitt, but OSU’s out-toughs the Panthers.

—(5) Florida State 90, (13) Portland State 56

And the Vikings were such a cute Cinderella story, too.

—(6) UCLA 88, (14) American 76

Darren Collison scores 16 and ruins American’s Sweet 16 dreams.

—(7) Texas 79, (15) Binghamton 52

Longhorn smackdown! Our favorite elderly Texas center, Connor Atchley, scores 18 to lead the rout.

SOUTH REGIONAL

—(1) North Carolina 95, (9) Butler 61

Now that’s more like it, Heels. Tyler Hansbrough with 27 and four others score in double figures. UNC leads 53-23 at halftime.

—(4) Gonzaga 84, (12) Western Kentucky 71

Downs stays hot for the Zags, scoring 23. The Bulldogs lead 48-38 at halftime and cruise.

—(3) Syracuse 83, (6) Arizona State 74

Mookie Jones comes off the bench for 24 points to lead the Cuse’s rally. The Orange break a 34-all halftime tie and race to the Sweet 16.

—(10) Michigan 83, (2) Oklahoma 71

Blake Griffin does what he can, scoring 21 points for the Sooners. But Zack Gibson is on fire, scoring 23 for Beilein’s bunch, and Michigan moves on.

MIDWEST REGIONAL

—(1) Louisville 67, (8) Ohio State 62

People who are complaining that Dayton is in Ohio, giving tOSU an advantage, conveniently forget that Louisville isn’t exactly a long way from Dayton. The Cards build a 37-25 lead at half and win thanks to 20 points from Samardo Samuels.

—(12) Arizona 96, (13) Cleveland State 82

Budinger scores 28 as the Wildcats win the rare 12-13 game.

—(6) West Virginia 78, (3) Kansas 73

And we’ll have a new champion, as the defending champs bow out in round 2. Mario Little scores 26 for KU, but it’s not enough.

—(2) Michigan State 83, (10) USC 76

Raymar Morgan scores 25 points as Sparty proves it can run with the athletic Trojans.

WEST REGIONAL

—(8) BYU 74, (1) Connecticut 72

OK, now it’s starting to get a little wacky here ..

—(4) Washington 64, (12) Northern Iowa 60

UNI leads 33-24 at the break and appears to be another Missouri Valley bracket buster. But Washington collects itself, gets 20 from Jon Brockman and outscores the Panthers 40-27 after halftime.

—(3) Missouri 78, (11) Utah State 64

Leo Lyons is the man for M-I-Z-Z-O-U, another journalism school. Lyons scores 31, giving us two strong J schools in the Sweet 16. (Syracuse is the other.)

—(10) Maryland 80, (15) Cal State Northridge 68

Eric Hayes scored 25 as the Terps ole the Matadors.

************

SWEET 16

EAST REGIONAL

—(9) Oklahoma State 78, (5) Florida State 65

The Cowboys shut down Toney Douglas, holding him to four points. James Anderson scores 24, and OSU is a step from the Final Four. Big Country would be proud.

—(7) Texas 80, (6) UCLA 61

Atchley’s eight years of NCAA tourney experience pays off. He scores 26 as the Longhorns rout the Bruins and set up an all-Big 12 regional final.

SOUTH REGIONAL

—(1) North Carolina 105, (4) Gonzaga 62

Yikes. Hansbrough and Wayne Ellington score 22 apiece as the Heels make this regional semifinal a joke. Adam Morrison was in the stands. He cried.

—(3) Syracuse 73, (10) Michigan 64

Strangely enough, Syracuse hasn’t played an overtime game yet.

MIDWEST REGIONAL

—(1) Louisville 83, (12) Arizona 64

Louisville says, ‘OK, we get it. You wanted to prove you belonged in the tournament Arizona. Now go away.‘

—(2) Michigan State 67, (6) West Virginia 63

Tom Izzo outcoaches Bob Huggins in the tournament’s “Grumpy Gus” game.

WEST REGIONAL

—(4) Washington 76, (8) BYU 64

Rick Neuheisel took the Huskies in his pool. You should too.

—(10) Maryland 73, (3) Missouri 73

Gary Williams’ best coaching job ever continues as he leads the Terps to the brink of the Final Fou.

*****

REGIONAL FINALS

EAST

—(7) Texas 73, (9) Oklahoma State 51

The tournament’s unlikeliest regional final is no contest. Damion James’ 15 points helps Texas cruise. T.J. Ford and Kevin Durant approve.

SOUTH

—(1) North Carolina 73, (3) Syracuse 72

The Orange nearly derail the tournament’s juggernaut, but Tyler Hansbrough scores 23 points and immediately leaves the arena to get a pedicure.

MIDWEST

—(2) Michigan State 73, (1) Louisville 62

Sparty jumps on top 40-30 by halftime and holds Samuels to six points. See, Tom Izzo says, we really should have been a No. 1 seed.

WEST

—(4) Washington 75, (10) Maryland 71

Washington didn’t fear the turtle, even after falling behind 44-34 at the break. Thomas scores 21, and Seattle has something to celebrate for once. Hey, the Huskies were better than the Sonics anyway.

*******

FINAL FOUR

—Washington 82, North Carolina 80

Hansbrough scores 31 points in his final college game as the little team that could keeps pushing forward.

—Michigan State 82, Texas 76

Sparty! Sparty! With a pronounced home-court advantage at Ford Field, Michigan State takes a 44-35 lead and holds on for the win.

CHAMPIONSHIP

—Washington 78, Michigan State 76

Brockman scores 25 points and earns tournament MVP honors. Detroit reels from another smack to the face. Mateen Cleaves weeps. Spencer Hawes jumps for joy, then realizes he still plays for the Sacramento Kings and slips into an immediate funk. Cue “One Shining Moment.“

So there you have it. If you were to use this simulation for gambling purposes, it would be nearly as insane as actually simulating an entire NCAA tournament on NCAA 09.